On Relationships

Welcome back to SeeingSophie!

Many young adults of today (including myself) are constantly thinking about relationships, dating, sex, and everything that goes with it, so I thought what’s better than to post about my personal experiences?

Relationships can be good, they can be fantastic, they can be mediocre, and they can be incredibly abusive.

Sometimes one relationship can be all of these and more.

I’ve had multiple relationships in the past, all since I was 6 years old, but obviously I don’t count any of the so-called ‘relationships’ I had when I was just an infant. I consider myself as having only three important relationships, and they have all occurred within the past 5 years.

My first relationship was the very first time I experienced love. I had my first kiss with that boy and I felt like I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I was fourteen, however, so clearly this did not happen.

He was far more intelligent than I, and unfortunately he used his intelligence in a very negative matter; undermining me, belittling me without me realising, and making me feel incredibly insignificant. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was the beginnings of a mentally abusive relationship.

We parted ways and I soon fell in love with my best friend. He and I had known each other since we were only nine years old, and so it felt like one of those ‘childhood sweetheart,’ situations. I think we were most definitely in love with each other far before we entered into a relationship together.

He and I fell madly in love, and we both lost our virginities to each other. It was awkward, and we fumbled, and not special like it is in all of the books, but it was us, in my little bedroom, sharing something special.

I still don’t regret it to this day.

Unfortunately this relationship turned out much like the first. I soon had depression, which only made me treat him worse, which made him dislike me more, treat me worse, and it was a never-ending cycle.

I’ll tell you exactly how it feels to be in an abusive relationship.

Most often, it feels like every other relationship.

Maybe this sounds confusing, but I’ll explain why. One of the most horrible factors about an abusive relationship is that you’re so in love, you don’t realise what’s going on. I was often emotionally manipulated into doing things I didn’t want. I was often not ‘allowed’ to do things (like drink alcohol or see other guys) because my boyfriend didn’t want me to. I was constantly worried about speaking to him, lest I bring up a topic that was going to lead into an argument, and I was slowly being gaslighted. He constantly broke up with me, only to ‘allow’ me to get back together with him shortly thereafter.

Make no mistake, in my depressive state, I was just as much, if not more, abusive.

I didn’t like who I was becoming when I was with him, and I knew that had to change. Just prior to the two year mark, I realised I was in love with someone else and had fallen out of love with my then-boyfriend, and so we broke things off.

Almost immediately after, I got into a relationship with the new guy I loved. This is not something I recommend because it’s very hard to discern whether these feelings are real or if you’re simply projecting your feelings of loneliness as love.

This new boyfriend unfortunately lived in Botany Bay, whereas I lived in Western Sydney, and so the distance was quite a struggle.

We slept together often. It almost seemed like every time we managed to both have free time and get together, it was to do something physical. This wasn’t forced upon me in any way, and I felt like it definitely brought us closer together. However we were both newly out of relationships and we were using it for stress relief more than anything else.

Six months into my relationship my ex boyfriend began messaging me and all of my feelings quickly came flooding back. I had no desire to resume a relationship after everything it had done to me, but it made me realise that I did not feel the same for my current boyfriend.

I wished my ex boyfriend well, and we ceased messaging again. I told my current boyfriend that I wasn’t in love with him, and we ceased seeing one another.

Currently I’m in a (kind of) relationship, and I am the happiest I have ever been. This man treats me like an equal and every time I see him it’s like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. He listens to me, I listen to him, and we share a relationship that is equally physical and emotional. We’re not /boyfriend/ and /girlfriend/ because I’m currently doing my HSC, he’s in his second year of uni, and we want things to remain casual at the moment.

I’m constantly on my toes and I find it very hard to trust him, and many of the people I love. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is ever going to change, and is a result of my messy past relationships.

I have oh so many regrets in my life, and while I wish my personality wasn’t permanently changed because of the flaws in me previous relationships, I don’t regret them.

If I’ve learnt anything, it’s that it’s important to listen to your friends and family in regards to your relationships because sometimes you view your significant other through a smokescreen.

It’s also important to make sure you learn from negative relationships because nobody deserves to be treated like they are inferior.

Go through things. Grow through things.

I really hope somebody somewhere can learn something from this, even if its just to stand back and look at your own relationships to see if you’re truly happy.

By no means am I the relationship guru here, I’m just sharing my thoughts and experiences but if anybody at all is struggling through a tough time, you can most definitely shoot me a message and I’ll help you out to the best of my ability.

I hope you’re all in happy healthy relationships,

Love always,
Sophie xx

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